The art of the humorous monologue
Having a family that was interested in all things thespian provided me with a highly entertaining childhood and perhaps laid the foundation for my own creative work.
My father, Ron, regularly performed monologues ... and I seemed to have accrued some of the necessary skills simply by "osmosis".
A few years ago I set myself the challenge of writing some new material as my dad couldnt or wouldnt
I'll be putting some of the better ones up on this site.
The first one below is one which was really done as an exercise,... seeing just how quickly I could produce something(*) from an Idea that had been rumbling around in my mind for six months. The rising fuel prices had sent every man and his dog out to get a woodburning stove....myself included(!), so some of the tale below has a certain ring of truth!
The monologues, of course, are really at their best when performed live.
(*)35minutes if you must know
Enjoy
My father, Ron, regularly performed monologues ... and I seemed to have accrued some of the necessary skills simply by "osmosis".
A few years ago I set myself the challenge of writing some new material as my dad couldnt or wouldnt
I'll be putting some of the better ones up on this site.
The first one below is one which was really done as an exercise,... seeing just how quickly I could produce something(*) from an Idea that had been rumbling around in my mind for six months. The rising fuel prices had sent every man and his dog out to get a woodburning stove....myself included(!), so some of the tale below has a certain ring of truth!
The monologues, of course, are really at their best when performed live.
(*)35minutes if you must know
Enjoy
Up in Smoke
Now; if youve got a wood stove
Well you're hardly commonplace
You're on your way to saving
the world ..the human race.
As folk pass by they'll notice
the whiff of bark and wood
they'll look around and marvel
and you'll feel great and good.
As wispy smoke arises
from your chimney pots above
you'll feel the warmth inside the house
the planets gen'rous love
You'll not feel any backache
as you rummage round for logs
In fact you'll get much fitter-
no need for gym or jogs
Please!- dont think of the expense now
No!- dont focus on the grime
Anything you spend today
pays back double over time!
You see..you're back in pocket
in just ten years or less
and why more folk aren't buying these
is anybodies guess
You'll need your chimney lining;
companian set and rack..
and leather gloves to save your hands -
- spare tin of paint - yes - black.
Lets not forget the chinmney pot
with antidowndraught cowl
..it keeps your fire burning..
..and keeps out bird and fowl
We signed up on the Sat'day
it got fitted 'like a peach'
but things have not been perfect
like the salesmans glowing speech
I've had to buy a chainsaw
go tramping through the woods
I've had to buy a trailer
to transport all the goods
Ive had to build a storage rack
to store the wood we need
I have to watch the stove all night
to see'f it needs a feed
Ive nearly chopped my fingers off
when splitting logs to stack
Im always at the physio..
(problems with my back)
my hands have all gone calloused
my wedding rings all bent
And t'wife goes proper dizzy
when I tell her what we've spent
If you look at all the figures
what with servicing and such
Well we may be saving money
but its costing me too much!
I may be saving t'planet
by cutting branch and tree
but thinks I of an evening
who's ruddy saving me!
.......................................................................................................................March 2010
(This poem was part of a submission for the Holmfirth Writers Group new book 'Reflections of Holme' in partnership with Andy Leader a local Photographer)...sadly it didn't get accepted and will probably get put in another publication.)